Before I get into what I want to cry about I must tell you that my Mom's birthday is tomorrow and she informed me this past Sunday that she will be 29. If she continues to go backward she will be younger than my granddaughter really soon. We are getting together as a family to celebrate this birthday. It could very well be the last one she will remember or possibly even have. All of us are going to be there. I hope she has a good day and will remember some of it.
Another aniversary is fast approaching and friends I must tell you I am sick to death about it. The 1 year aniversary of Gerald's death is fast approaching. Seems to be coming in like a speeding train. Yesterday I was reading some of the last text he sent me before he got so very sick and had to go into hospital. At this time last year we were still on the "Going to get well and live a long healthy life" train. It had not derailed quite yet. The problem is: I know it did derail and crash all around Gerald and all his family and friends. Yes I saved the last few text he sent me. I hope to save them forever. I cannot explain how they make me feel. Yes right now they make me cry but most of the time it is like a connection to him. I had saved the last voice message he left on my phone but accidently erased it. I was so sick about that I cried. Hope that does not happen to the text.
Tears have found their way to me the last week many times. I remember a year ago and I am feeled with dread. He is already gone on to his next life. He is not going to die again. I wish I could just have a good long cry and feel better. He is no longer in pain and suffering. He was ready. He told me so himself. He told me it was going to be OK. He talked to me and said many things on that last visit. He was at peace with what was going to happen. He did not dread death. I wish I had one small amount of his courage and strength. I wish I could have a good cry and move on. As each day brings me closer to this aniversary I feel sicker and sicker to my stomach.
He would not want me to feel this way. He would tell me not to act like this. He told me I would be OK and he was OK. He told me not to spend my days grieving over him but to remember the fun times and the laughter we had. He told me to remember he loved me and he would always love me and to live my life and enjoy the wonderful horse he gave me and remember him with great memories. Don't be sad. he said. I try. My heart hurts.
I need a long good cry and maybe it will erase the pain I feel. I need to remember his laughter and teasing. I need to put my big girl panties on as he would tell me. I do miss him so very much. He was just the greatest friend anyone could ever have.
Everyone have a wonderful week and don't forget to tell the ones you love that you do love them. Thanks for reading. I will try to be more cheerful. Thanks for understanding why I am not right now.
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